Real, Fake News, Now!

Volume: Not So Grim, Number: Nine

Editor's Note: Geoff was previously a stringer for us.  With the Trump Administration shake up of the White House press briefings, he has been given accreditation, of sorts.  He is an official National correspondent, able to sit in on just about every presser imaginable given by the administration, including the White House, on a rotational basis.

Breaking News, Sort of

by Geoff Boggus

Today, Sean Spicer, White House press secretary, let slip the rumor of one of the former Presidents health scare was in fact true, however, he would not elaborate as to which one or the nature of the scare.  This is nothing new considering the ages of the two oldest alumni.  What is significant is a sudden news black out in the Palm Springs, Palm Desert, California area three days ago.

A colleague and fellow stringer, Jack Johansen, has provided background.  He has been conducting research for an investigative piece, soon to be published.  He had just arrived at the Palm Springs airport when he noticed two corporate jets known to be used at various times for the private travel of former Presidents.  He was able to learn two former presidents were going to be golfing at the Palm Desert Country Club, Tuesday, 1 August.  A number of celebrities, wealthy visitors, along with a flight crew member or two, had been overheard grousing about the course being closed most of the day for an 'irrigation problem'.

JJ was fairly certain who the two former presidents were, but wished to confirm and find out more between research and interviews for his piece.  He was driving around the perimeter of the course this past Tuesday, when he saw two, black SUVs tearing up what he later learned was a maintenance road toward the ninth green and tenth tee.  He was able to see people scrambling around lifting two persons from the ground and into each SUV.  He followed at a discreet distance until the SUVs split up.  The one he followed ended up at the emergency entrance for the Desert Regional Medical Center.  He guessed the other was headed to Eisenhower or Kennedy.

He drove on to Eisenhower.  Based on the activity he guessed the destination of the second SUV.  He shuttled back and forth trying to catch an EMT crew standing around waiting to be allowed back to their vehicles.  He was able to learn two males had been admitted in critical condition due to blood loss.  He later learned the former president at the regional center had been medically evacuated to Los Angeles that afternoon.  The second was evacuated that evening destination unknown .

I have tried to determine the whereabouts of the other former presidents.  No one has seen any of the five former chief executives since 9:00 am PDT, Tuesday.

Update: Sean Spicer has called a press conference with President Trump, no questions, for 8:00 pm.

Update: President Trump, "I regret to inform the nation one of our former presidents has died.  A second is in critical condition."  Press room erupts.  The president raises his hands.  "No, questions.  No, questions." The volume decreases dramatically.  "We are not providing details at this time because of national security.  We have provided extra security for the remaining three.  We have our national security services scouring the world to find out what happened, how and hopefully why.  We have very few details as the medical community is stumped at this time.  I can only ask the nation

to pray.  This administration will do its best to find answers and respond as appropriate.  All US flags will be flown at half staff until further instructed.  Thank you."

Update: Unnamed sources have indicated a former first lady has died along with a number of US citizens and foreign nationals.  A hemorrhagic fever rumor erupted overseas, but was quickly dispelled as the dead seemingly had no connections, in most cases, because of geographic disparity and known associates.

Reporter: Geoff Boggus
Researcher: Edith

Real, Fake News, Now!

Volume: Three, Number: Say, what?

Recovery

Editor's Note:  We had planned on publishing an interview with former Representative Nancy Pelosi, Democrat, representing California's 12th congressional district.  Sadly, the events of 21 July 2018, have taken an emotional toll.  We need not repeat here the devastating results of the earthquakes, and tsunami, that struck the west coast, and the resulting obliteration of numerous constituencies.

Our correspondent had hoped to get a personal 'highlights' piece.  He was saddened by her appearance, not a disheveled wreck, not a hair out of place, but a shell.  Her greeting had a hint of melancholy.  A few pleasantries were exchanged.  The response to the first question about her start in politics gave her pause.  She looked off in the distance.  Her reply?  "The word."  HC recovered and asked about the loss thinking she might need some release from the grief.  The reply the same.  Her last remaining aide brought a glass of water and placed Pelosi's hands around the glass.  She then ushered HC out of the office with her apologies.

With that Nancy Pelosi, citizen, disappeared.  HC tried to follow up, he was the last visitor on the security log.  The office had been closed along with a number of others.  Pelosi had been one of the last to leave.

We had not planned on reflecting on the disaster.  As yet no one has started speaking of recovery.  We do wonder how long it will be before it is spoken?  We wonder about the recovery of the human casualties.  We wonder about Nancy Pelosi, her former colleagues in Congress, the citizens both living and dead.

Real, Fake News, Now!

Volume: Still Grim, Number: Two

Editor's Note: We had planned to run an old chestnut considering Joseph Biden is making an exit, stage right.  Then we decided to run another piece by Cecile Humphreys prior to her holiday.  Change of plan again, we were going to run a biographical sketch of Cecile Humphreys and Cecil Humphreys mother who at the time was under the weather.  When you're in your nineties, approaching your centenary, people like to be acknowledged now and again.  Why wait to bury them with laudatory remarks, after they are gone?
Thankfully, Lydia Q is doing better.  We'll wait one week, and give ol' Joe a rousing send off instead.

Joe 'Buy Me' Biden, the Prince of Used Cars

Author/Editor's Note:  This originally ran back when we thought Joe was done for in politics after the Neil Kinnick affair.

Joseph Biden did not originally plan to enter politics.  His great desire in life was to become 'The King of Used Cars.'  For those who have never heard of this title, it began (many) years ago.  A fellow by the name of Cal Worthington gave himself the title.  As Cal's name and self promotion spread, those occupying the rarefied air of 'used cars' began to take notice.  This was before 'pre-owned', 'certified pre-owned' cars became a marketing ploy.

Joe Biden was starting out in the game when he came across the story of Cal Worthington.  Joe was hungry, driven to succeed.  He worked on the East Coast for an additional three years getting his 'patter' down.  He studied psychology.  He also put aside money in the unlikely event he failed.  Worthington had become a legend, and not in his own mind, during Joe's years of preparation.

Finally, the day came when Joe loaded up his late model Ford and headed West.  He ended up in Sacramento.  He worked the Sacramento valley.  He would go as far as he could go with each dealership starting out in sales, working his way up.  Some thought him a 'gypsy'.  Why jump from dealership to dealership when he could have easily settled down and made good money?  His standard reply, 'I want to be the Prince of Used Cars.'  What he didn't say was, 'I want to take over as King.'

He moved into the San Joaquin valley.  He worked the coast   He ended up in the Bay area and started doing commercials for the dealership of the year.  He took the stage name Joe 'Buy Me' Biden.  It was an instant success.  He was offered partnerships.  He started to invest as silent partner while gaining greater sales numbers.  He joined civic and other notable organizations.  He networked.  He literally became the Prince of Used Cars.  He set his sites on Southern California.  He got to San Diego and immediately fit right in.  He opened his own dealership and began working toward usurping Cal Worthington in dead earnest.

Those dealerships he was a silent partner in were sold off, changed hands or shut down.  Joe came out on the plus side for the most part.  He also bought out a few of the larger lots establishing himself as a brand in those markets he had previously worked.  All that hard work was paying off.

After fifteen years, he was just about to pull the coup and move into LA when the Oil Embargo hit.  He didn't have the 'economy car' inventory Worthington had to ride it out.  He had done well.  He cut his losses.  He didn't lose that much of what he had acquired.  But he has admitted privately, it took the wind out of his sails.  He was done with car sales.  The Prince abdicated.

Biden headed back home to the East Coast, wiser and heavier in the bank account.  It was by chance that an old friend suggested he enter politics on his return.  The rest, as they say, is history.

Real, Fake News, Now!

Volume: Grim, Number: One

Editor's Note: We are glad to announce the return of Nigel Cadwallider.  His ex-wife had much to  do with this.  We thank her.  To those in bureaucracies, do not come between an ex-wife and her alimony.

We will be taking a few days off to consider our future.  We have been approached by individuals who wish to invest in our operation.  This will allow us to expand dramatically.  Unfortunately, it will add a level of editorial control we have not had to deal with previously, however short that previously has been.
Be sure we will take our time to consider you our readership.
Then again, we may just sell out, take the money and run.

Real, Fake News, Now!

Volume: Insanely Loud, Issue: Last this year.

Editor's Note: We regret to inform our readership, Nigel Cadwallider, crack researcher is not with us.  No, he hasn't passed away, started pushing up daisies, as it were.  No, we have lost his services, temporarily, we hope.  It has something to do with his 'not renewing his Green Card'.  He explained to the INS he did not, primarily, because he has been a United States citizen for the past twelve years.
His lawyer has kept us abreast of the difficulties.  He, Nigel, has been whisked away and unable to access his citizenship papers to prove his status.
We trust the bureaucracy will move quickly to restore Nigel to his home and office, such as they are.
Since this is a fake news repository a White House petition won't do any good.  We've had a fake for the past eight years.  Most folks don't know the difference between 'de facto' and 'de jure'.
At least 58 persons have committed fraud in 2008, so why expect things to change?

This just in.  Paris Piece Conference to be postponed.  French police with the assistance of the security services has uncovered a plot to smuggle in kippers from the UK.  With Brexit hanging in the judicial balance, French authorities are taking no chances in raising the ire of the EU president and assorted muckity-mucks.
'This is not tit-for-tat,' the President said.  He was referring to a minor flap regarding foie gras being blocked at Dover this past week.
The secret meeting of the 'Archons' of the 70 countries to have been in attendance, will still take place at an undisclosed location somewhere, possibly in this dimensional reality, the groups spokesperson let slip before exiting this temporal plane.

In other news griefs:
- PM Modi has told the irate citizens of India they won't really need cash anymore, as this is the last round on reincarnation.  Shiva will be doing his thing soon so Hindus can just while away their time waiting to be annihilated.

- Japan's Emperor will not be abdicating as rumors have indicated.  He plans to extend his reign to Mars, leaving his heir as regent for the now petty Earth.

- Citizens of New Zealand, those still alive, are considering an offer of asylum by the Sultan of Brunei.  The surviving Maori have indicated they will not abandon their ancestral homeland, what little remains after the massive earthquakes and eruption of the caldera at Lake Taupo.

- Maduro of Venezuela will not be stepping aside while having a sex change operation.  He reports, through his intermediaries, he will be conscious the whole time, to rule without interruption.

- A group of enthusiasts is starting a funding drive to have a statue of Tim Berners-Lee made and situated straddling the border of France and Switzerland.  This is a less ambitious plan than the original.  Marvel resisted 'spider silk' emanating from Berners-Lee's wrists ala Spiderman to represent the world-wide-web.

Cecil Humphires

Update:  Abbas and Ereket are said to be disappointed about Paris.  An unnamed source, said they were looking forward to the kippers as they were halal.

Real, Fake News, Now!

Volume: Loud, Number: something very large

 Happy Trails

 Well it's about time.  Harry Reid is riding off into the sunset.  What will he be doing in retirement?  Actually, we've been given an insider's peek at what he will be up to.  Our source, Roger Rodgers, has been given permission to relate the goings-on soon to commence.

What many are unfamiliar with is the backstory of the Senator.  This is way beyond the Wikipedia entry.  Seems he is from a long line of pioneers who made their way across the Midwest and further westward about the time before and immediately after the Civil War.  This is a little known tale.

It begins somewhere on the East Coast, some say New York, New Jersey or Pennsylvania etc. Somewhere between 1830 and 1840 his ancestors pulled up stakes and headed West.  They stopped along the way making a living to further their westward migration.  Thus they made their way across Ohio, Indiana and Illinois pausing there during the Civil War.

They were able to make their way south and west after the fighting ceased.  The actual path is 'lost', but they made their way to Texas.  Again, they made their way stopping periodically to make a living to further the trek onward.  We are not entirely sure how they made their way across what is now New Mexico, but they did, making it to the four corners region.  They headed toward Utah and stopped finally near a sleepy village near Mount Charleston in Nevada.  Here the rather large family split up.  Some stayed.  Some moved into California.  Others move Northwest.  Some back tracked.

Why all this vague history?  The Reid family maintained journals with great care and detail.  So in fact the Senator is about to embark on a cherished dream of his to relate his family's story by the spoken word.  Rodgers has shared some teaser material, but asked us to not publish these as the Senator would like to keep some surprises for the listening audience.  One we can share involves an alternate story to the origin of Pecos Bill.

Rodgers is working with a producer to bring the project to fruition on behalf of the Senator.  They will be produced as CDs and MP3s to cover the market.  So, something new for Harry Reid.

Byline: Cecile Humphries
Research: Nigel Cadwallider

Real, Fake News, Now!

Volume: Loud, Number: pick a larger one

Why the Beard?

A confidential source has spilled the beans on Paul Ryan, speaker of the House.  The Honorable Mr. Ryan was being considered for a recurring part in a television series that failed to get to the pilot stage.  A number of scripts were written and given the okay without large rewrites.  Typically, a pilot will go through a number of rewrites considering who is in charge of the production company at any given time.  Hollywood, whether cinema or small screen or should we say large screen, has a revolving door when it comes to production heads.

The roll was to be Ryan playing himself.  The potential show runner and co-creator was a college classmate of Ryan's.  She was aware of Ryan's having been bitten by the acting bug, but exigencies sent him down the path which ultimately led to Congress.  The story and subsequent script was not written explicitly for Ryan, however, the co-creator had a light bulb moment when one of the early staff noted a similarity to the Speaker and the role.

We'll never know what might have happened, in a way, for this specific project.  The rumor is that Ryan will not seek re-election in 2018.  Some have groused, since he will be receiving the Speaker's pension, he will become a fixture in Southern California, starting with cameos, then moving up the food chain.  Not all were convinced of his suitability.  One older wag contrasted it to the Reagan slogan when he ran against Governor Edmund G. 'Pat' Brown, "Why not an actor?  We've had a clown for all these years."

Politics aside, it would be interesting, at least from a novelty stand point.  He could actually be another Fred Thompson.

By line: Cecil Humphries
Research: Angel Sandoval

Editor's Note: An update given to Sandoval after initial publication indicates one problem that arose revolved around difficulty in getting Ryan a Canadian work permit.  This in itself wouldn't have stopped the go ahead.  Vancouver was strongly promoted at later stages as the potential production location.