Real, Fake News, Now!

Volume: Still Grim, Number: Two

Editor's Note: We had planned to run an old chestnut considering Joseph Biden is making an exit, stage right.  Then we decided to run another piece by Cecile Humphreys prior to her holiday.  Change of plan again, we were going to run a biographical sketch of Cecile Humphreys and Cecil Humphreys mother who at the time was under the weather.  When you're in your nineties, approaching your centenary, people like to be acknowledged now and again.  Why wait to bury them with laudatory remarks, after they are gone?
Thankfully, Lydia Q is doing better.  We'll wait one week, and give ol' Joe a rousing send off instead.

Joe 'Buy Me' Biden, the Prince of Used Cars

Author/Editor's Note:  This originally ran back when we thought Joe was done for in politics after the Neil Kinnick affair.

Joseph Biden did not originally plan to enter politics.  His great desire in life was to become 'The King of Used Cars.'  For those who have never heard of this title, it began (many) years ago.  A fellow by the name of Cal Worthington gave himself the title.  As Cal's name and self promotion spread, those occupying the rarefied air of 'used cars' began to take notice.  This was before 'pre-owned', 'certified pre-owned' cars became a marketing ploy.

Joe Biden was starting out in the game when he came across the story of Cal Worthington.  Joe was hungry, driven to succeed.  He worked on the East Coast for an additional three years getting his 'patter' down.  He studied psychology.  He also put aside money in the unlikely event he failed.  Worthington had become a legend, and not in his own mind, during Joe's years of preparation.

Finally, the day came when Joe loaded up his late model Ford and headed West.  He ended up in Sacramento.  He worked the Sacramento valley.  He would go as far as he could go with each dealership starting out in sales, working his way up.  Some thought him a 'gypsy'.  Why jump from dealership to dealership when he could have easily settled down and made good money?  His standard reply, 'I want to be the Prince of Used Cars.'  What he didn't say was, 'I want to take over as King.'

He moved into the San Joaquin valley.  He worked the coast   He ended up in the Bay area and started doing commercials for the dealership of the year.  He took the stage name Joe 'Buy Me' Biden.  It was an instant success.  He was offered partnerships.  He started to invest as silent partner while gaining greater sales numbers.  He joined civic and other notable organizations.  He networked.  He literally became the Prince of Used Cars.  He set his sites on Southern California.  He got to San Diego and immediately fit right in.  He opened his own dealership and began working toward usurping Cal Worthington in dead earnest.

Those dealerships he was a silent partner in were sold off, changed hands or shut down.  Joe came out on the plus side for the most part.  He also bought out a few of the larger lots establishing himself as a brand in those markets he had previously worked.  All that hard work was paying off.

After fifteen years, he was just about to pull the coup and move into LA when the Oil Embargo hit.  He didn't have the 'economy car' inventory Worthington had to ride it out.  He had done well.  He cut his losses.  He didn't lose that much of what he had acquired.  But he has admitted privately, it took the wind out of his sails.  He was done with car sales.  The Prince abdicated.

Biden headed back home to the East Coast, wiser and heavier in the bank account.  It was by chance that an old friend suggested he enter politics on his return.  The rest, as they say, is history.

Real, Fake News, Now!

Volume: Grim, Number: One

Editor's Note: We are glad to announce the return of Nigel Cadwallider.  His ex-wife had much to  do with this.  We thank her.  To those in bureaucracies, do not come between an ex-wife and her alimony.

We will be taking a few days off to consider our future.  We have been approached by individuals who wish to invest in our operation.  This will allow us to expand dramatically.  Unfortunately, it will add a level of editorial control we have not had to deal with previously, however short that previously has been.
Be sure we will take our time to consider you our readership.
Then again, we may just sell out, take the money and run.

Real, Fake News, Now!

Volume: Insanely Loud, Issue: Last this year.

Editor's Note: We regret to inform our readership, Nigel Cadwallider, crack researcher is not with us.  No, he hasn't passed away, started pushing up daisies, as it were.  No, we have lost his services, temporarily, we hope.  It has something to do with his 'not renewing his Green Card'.  He explained to the INS he did not, primarily, because he has been a United States citizen for the past twelve years.
His lawyer has kept us abreast of the difficulties.  He, Nigel, has been whisked away and unable to access his citizenship papers to prove his status.
We trust the bureaucracy will move quickly to restore Nigel to his home and office, such as they are.
Since this is a fake news repository a White House petition won't do any good.  We've had a fake for the past eight years.  Most folks don't know the difference between 'de facto' and 'de jure'.
At least 58 persons have committed fraud in 2008, so why expect things to change?

This just in.  Paris Piece Conference to be postponed.  French police with the assistance of the security services has uncovered a plot to smuggle in kippers from the UK.  With Brexit hanging in the judicial balance, French authorities are taking no chances in raising the ire of the EU president and assorted muckity-mucks.
'This is not tit-for-tat,' the President said.  He was referring to a minor flap regarding foie gras being blocked at Dover this past week.
The secret meeting of the 'Archons' of the 70 countries to have been in attendance, will still take place at an undisclosed location somewhere, possibly in this dimensional reality, the groups spokesperson let slip before exiting this temporal plane.

In other news griefs:
- PM Modi has told the irate citizens of India they won't really need cash anymore, as this is the last round on reincarnation.  Shiva will be doing his thing soon so Hindus can just while away their time waiting to be annihilated.

- Japan's Emperor will not be abdicating as rumors have indicated.  He plans to extend his reign to Mars, leaving his heir as regent for the now petty Earth.

- Citizens of New Zealand, those still alive, are considering an offer of asylum by the Sultan of Brunei.  The surviving Maori have indicated they will not abandon their ancestral homeland, what little remains after the massive earthquakes and eruption of the caldera at Lake Taupo.

- Maduro of Venezuela will not be stepping aside while having a sex change operation.  He reports, through his intermediaries, he will be conscious the whole time, to rule without interruption.

- A group of enthusiasts is starting a funding drive to have a statue of Tim Berners-Lee made and situated straddling the border of France and Switzerland.  This is a less ambitious plan than the original.  Marvel resisted 'spider silk' emanating from Berners-Lee's wrists ala Spiderman to represent the world-wide-web.

Cecil Humphires

Update:  Abbas and Ereket are said to be disappointed about Paris.  An unnamed source, said they were looking forward to the kippers as they were halal.

Real, Fake News, Now!

Volume: Loud, Number: something very large

 Happy Trails

 Well it's about time.  Harry Reid is riding off into the sunset.  What will he be doing in retirement?  Actually, we've been given an insider's peek at what he will be up to.  Our source, Roger Rodgers, has been given permission to relate the goings-on soon to commence.

What many are unfamiliar with is the backstory of the Senator.  This is way beyond the Wikipedia entry.  Seems he is from a long line of pioneers who made their way across the Midwest and further westward about the time before and immediately after the Civil War.  This is a little known tale.

It begins somewhere on the East Coast, some say New York, New Jersey or Pennsylvania etc. Somewhere between 1830 and 1840 his ancestors pulled up stakes and headed West.  They stopped along the way making a living to further their westward migration.  Thus they made their way across Ohio, Indiana and Illinois pausing there during the Civil War.

They were able to make their way south and west after the fighting ceased.  The actual path is 'lost', but they made their way to Texas.  Again, they made their way stopping periodically to make a living to further the trek onward.  We are not entirely sure how they made their way across what is now New Mexico, but they did, making it to the four corners region.  They headed toward Utah and stopped finally near a sleepy village near Mount Charleston in Nevada.  Here the rather large family split up.  Some stayed.  Some moved into California.  Others move Northwest.  Some back tracked.

Why all this vague history?  The Reid family maintained journals with great care and detail.  So in fact the Senator is about to embark on a cherished dream of his to relate his family's story by the spoken word.  Rodgers has shared some teaser material, but asked us to not publish these as the Senator would like to keep some surprises for the listening audience.  One we can share involves an alternate story to the origin of Pecos Bill.

Rodgers is working with a producer to bring the project to fruition on behalf of the Senator.  They will be produced as CDs and MP3s to cover the market.  So, something new for Harry Reid.

Byline: Cecile Humphries
Research: Nigel Cadwallider

Real, Fake News, Now!

Volume: Loud, Number: pick a larger one

Why the Beard?

A confidential source has spilled the beans on Paul Ryan, speaker of the House.  The Honorable Mr. Ryan was being considered for a recurring part in a television series that failed to get to the pilot stage.  A number of scripts were written and given the okay without large rewrites.  Typically, a pilot will go through a number of rewrites considering who is in charge of the production company at any given time.  Hollywood, whether cinema or small screen or should we say large screen, has a revolving door when it comes to production heads.

The roll was to be Ryan playing himself.  The potential show runner and co-creator was a college classmate of Ryan's.  She was aware of Ryan's having been bitten by the acting bug, but exigencies sent him down the path which ultimately led to Congress.  The story and subsequent script was not written explicitly for Ryan, however, the co-creator had a light bulb moment when one of the early staff noted a similarity to the Speaker and the role.

We'll never know what might have happened, in a way, for this specific project.  The rumor is that Ryan will not seek re-election in 2018.  Some have groused, since he will be receiving the Speaker's pension, he will become a fixture in Southern California, starting with cameos, then moving up the food chain.  Not all were convinced of his suitability.  One older wag contrasted it to the Reagan slogan when he ran against Governor Edmund G. 'Pat' Brown, "Why not an actor?  We've had a clown for all these years."

Politics aside, it would be interesting, at least from a novelty stand point.  He could actually be another Fred Thompson.

By line: Cecil Humphries
Research: Angel Sandoval

Editor's Note: An update given to Sandoval after initial publication indicates one problem that arose revolved around difficulty in getting Ryan a Canadian work permit.  This in itself wouldn't have stopped the go ahead.  Vancouver was strongly promoted at later stages as the potential production location.

Real, Fake News, Now!

Volume: Loud, Number: Pick another

Editor's Note:  Today we begin actual fake news.  Enjoy!

Billary's Love Child to Be Next UN Secretary General

A confidential source has revealed Helmut Gerhardt has been anointed dubbed the next Secretary General of the United Nations effective 1 October 2018.  This same source indicated that a number of changes will be forth coming to pave the way for Heir Gerhardt to assume the throne chair.

One particular change will leave some citizens perplexed, but will actually increase the efficiency of running the world, or rather the United Nations.  Through a series of mergers, acquisitions, and back room deals, the current 200 plus nations in the General Assembly will be reduced to a more manageable 159.
The remainder are considered minor technical details to be hammered out.

For those unfamiliar with Helmut Gerhardt, he was born 20 July 1972 in Berlin.  Although his birth parents are American, his adoptive parents were German.  His first name was the only stipulation made by the biological parents, a quirk of naming the child after some geographical designation.  In this case Helmutstrasse was the location of a now defunct pension.
His schooling was seemingly unremarkable, but quite varied.  It is rumored his adoptive parents, although diligent and frugal were financially unable to afford the eclectic path of young Helmut.  It is rumored that although his birth parents gave him up for adoption, they provided financial support and even procured placement at a number of schools and universities he attended.

Although there is no record of degrees awarded, he has a held a wide, and again eclectic number of positions throughout the European Union, finally ending up in Geneva working for the UN.  It has been difficult to verify his current position or past positions, for that matter, he is well regarded.  Some have gone so far as to describe him as an 'efficient technocrat'.

Helmut Gerhardt is not married, but has maintained a relationship with Angela Lemerk the past five years.  Ms. Lemerk was not available for comment.  Gerhardt has no known children.

By line: Cecile Humphries
Research: Niles Ridley

Editor's Update: It has come to our attention after the initial posting of this story, that Angela Lemerk has been found in a hotel room dead.  A maid, who discovered the body, overheard police investigators mention two shots to the chest and one to the head.  Initial reports from other media say it was a case of suicide.

Real, Fake News, Now!

Volume: Loud, Number: Pick one.

Editors Note: Our initial issue was intended to be part farce, part parody, hopefully amusing.  However, we have noticed a real ignorance of aircraft costs.  We are not attacking or defending Trump's decision.  We are not attempting to justify the cost.  We simply would like to explain why the price tag for a replacement for Air Force One is so high.

Why is Air Force One so expensive to replace?

1.  It is a government aircraft.
    a. It must go through the procurement process.  This requires specifications down to every nut, bolt, washer, and rivet.
    b.  Is is a competitive bid or single source?  If competitive, then copies of the specifications are reproduced for each bidder.
    c.  Is it one of a kind or are multiples being made?  Economies of scale.
    d. Can it be based on current production aircraft?  In this case, Boeing 747s are no longer in production.  We will revisit this later.
    e.  Can off-the-shelf systems be used?  Are there special equipment requirements?  The short answer is yes and yes.
    f.  How much will need to be sub-contracted out?
    g. Are there upgrades from the previous design?
There are many, many more details such as:
  Is the original producer of the aircraft going to build the replacement?  If not, the government buys back the design documents and drawings, and then gives, yes, gives them to the new contractor.
  Any machinery, dies, equipment required still available?  This will also be revisited.

2.  Materials necessary to build an airframe, alone, are expensive.  One cannot go down to Juanita's Metals to buy sheet aluminum or Bob's Hardware for nuts, bolts, washers and rivets.
    a.  Ribs, spars, stringers are cast and machined aluminum parts.  Are there existing models, molds and who owns them?
    b.  Aircraft wiring can't be bought at Helmut' Electronics.  In most instances, there is special purpose wiring used, depending on system, making it very expensive.
   c.  Air Force One is a special purpose aircraft.  Interior appointments are pretty much custom.

3.  Systems.  Propulsion, Hydraulics, Fuel, Electrical, Avionics, Communications, Special Requirements
    a.  Are newer engines being used?  Will this require modifications to the mounts, wing structure?
    b.  Redundancy of hydraulic systems?
    c.   New mandates on type of fuel used?  Impact on fuel cell composition.  Lot's of trivial stuff involved.
    d.  Power production, distribution, redundancy for aircraft flight and cabin requirements.
    e.  Avionics typically are a cross between off-the-shelf and the latest and greatest.
    f.  Communications for the flight crew and the folks in the cabin.  Lot's of specialty stuff.  Heavily encrypted in some cases.
    g.  The specialty stuff could be anything from medical equipment, galley, and things best left to the imagination.

4.  Assembly.  This requires an assembly location.  People to put the parts together.  Jigs, tools, etc.
    a.  Will the assembly location require security?  You, betcha!
    b.  Will the personal require security clearances?
    c.  Training of personnel required?
    d.   Are there existing jigs?  Any specialty tools required?
    e.  Delivery and security of sub-contracted parts.

5.  Management.  Milestone and workflow.  Quality assurance. Coordination with the government.

6. Miscellaneous.

This is by no means an exhaustive list.  These are just some of the highlights  One last and very important point:
Airplanes are like Bentleys.  Some parts and components are put together on assembly lines.  For the most part, they are hand assembled.  No two aircraft are exactly the same.